


so, this is love

by el_mira



Series: on finding love [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A little bit of angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings Realization, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Minor Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Slow Burn, love ain't easy okay, okay maybe not a little angst, semi non-linear narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29374689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/el_mira/pseuds/el_mira
Summary: Kei clenches his eyes shut. "I miss you." He holds himself down and continues, "I miss you so much."He said he wouldn't expect, that he'd take whatever it is Kuroo can give. But he wishes to have him tolove.(or: how love came to be for tsukishima kei)
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: on finding love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166222
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	so, this is love

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really know what to say except...it's my first time finishing and posting something lol so any type of comment is appreciated! this is just a product of my love for our moonshine and kurotsukki
> 
> this is basically me indulging myself with 11k of kei and kuroo and love
> 
> of course, credits to our furudate-sensei for the characters and the canon compliant lines in the fic

It's funny how people have so much to say about falling in love—romantic love. They look for it so desperately, some even making it their life's mission to be able to _feel_ it at least once in their lives. It's said to be consuming—one that makes you feel well beyond your wits. It makes you do questionable things you wouldn't deem capable of doing in any other case.

Others get so hurt by it. So, _so_ _hurt_ that the mere experience transcends that relationship. The wounds stay with the person, making them question if it's even worth it to feel love again.

But even then, no one seems to /truly/ regret falling in love. 

_"It's scary. It takes a lot of sacrifices. But love gives you something that you won't be able to get anywhere else."_

_"When it happens to you, you'll understand."_

Hah. No, thank you.

For Tsukishima Kei, this love just isn't worth it. He can't understand why people seem to be so enticed by it. How can someone be so willing to risk so much—time, effort, feelings, _everything_ —for a four-letter word? He's rational. He looks at facts; he prioritizes what's in front of him. He thrives on certainty, and this is anything but. He'll understand that path for the Shrimp, with his utter lack of self-preservation. He gets Yamaguchi as well, with his tolerable (read: amazing) personality. For himself, though... _ah, a laughable idea._

_I survived years without it, I'm sure I'll do well without it my whole life._ Besides, he's very much content with the brotherly love he has with Tadashi (as if anyone will know) and Aki ( _again,_ as if anyone will know). He has his parents, who are a given. It's quite a small circle, but more than enough.

Even so, he still feels curious. There seems to be no surefire way to prepare for love. It's so confusing, and he hates not being able to make sense of things. How can people be able to describe such a concept both vividly _and_ vaguely? How will one know they're in love? There's _real_ love?

How fucking annoying.

He sees love with his parents, who seem to just bathe in love even when Dad is in the US. He hears it even as Mom cries of loneliness on nights when she thinks no one can hear her. He feels it in the FaceTimes his parents seem to always make time for, translated in virtual glances. He sees it on the little trinkets they buy each other, even more with the tight hugs when they finally visit New Jersey. How can he see and feel it, then, even when the three words aren't uttered?

He witnesses people get so broken up by love and at the same time still choose to ooze the emotion unflinchingly. Why do they choose to be in love, when it can hurt so much? He doesn't understand if it's the imperfection of the human mind, or the drugging feeling the emotion brings. Still, there must be _something_ about love that makes it worth people's time.

Fuck, what even started this interest of his?

Kei doesn't need it. He's also not looking for it. Just curious. _It's just another puzzle I want to solve._

He could care less if it comes, he just wants to make sense of it. But with how annoying life is, love still finds him anyway (or did he find it?).

**It comes in the form of Kuroo Tetsurou.**

* * *

_**Love is gradual.** He doesn't notice it. In fact, he tolerates (read: falls in love) with volleyball first._

He's tired. So tired of all the rallies. He—all of them—have been jumping and running and just _attacking_ to have a chance at a win. Shiratorizawa is really a powerhouse, there's no doubt about that. With every point they score, their opponent gets two back with unfailing force. _How can they pull through this?_ He thinks. Nevertheless, they don't have a choice but to go onward.

_"Hey!" Kuroo cheers as he scores a kill by blocking Bokuto's spike. Kei looks at the upperclassman beside him._ Did he do that on purpose?

_I'm just a first year. I'm lanky. It's just a club, why am I suddenly putting so much effort?_ Still, he waits. He looks for a crevice of weakness.

The opponent's setter is getting agitated by the long rallies, he can tell. The team seizes up for a back attack. Asahi-san spikes.

_"Hey, you with the glasses! Can you block for us?"_

He jumps. The ball grazes his fingertips. "One-touch!" He shouts. A glare by that setter. _Yes. More._

_"First you need to visualize it. Concentrate your strength on your fingertips so you're not blown back."_

He needs to be patient. He's annoying. Hinata's annoying. _Make them feel the pressure._ Tanaka-san dives to receive and Daichi-san attacks. There's a chance ball and they ready themselves for another block. They jump and block the cross, guiding the ball to Nishinoya-san. Limit the possibilities. Force them to make a straight. _Yes._

_"Then, don't stretch your arms upwards but forward. Forward."_

It's close. The ball is passed to the setter. The setter tosses. Ushijima runs for a spike. _There._

_Because you're getting restless, you've revealed your flaw._

The ball is close to the net. Kei chases the ball and positions himself beside Asahi-san. He leaves a space. He counts for the block, "ready, go!" They jump.

_"It's just a club."_

_"When Hinata is rotated at the back and I proceed to the front, I am only there to minimize the risks."_

Ushijima aims for a spike. Everything is in slow motion as he braces for the intense attack. _It's just a club._ The ace hits the ball. _It's just a club._ The ball is directed right where he wants it— _this_ is the chance. Kei moves his arm to block the open space. _It's just a club._

**_Bam._ **

The ball slams back to the opponent's court before anyone can receive it. A kill. His feet are back on the ground and the court silent—everything's white noise. He's breathing hard and his arm stings. _I blocked it._

_"How could I possibly beat Ushiwaka? It's just that...I'll still think of ways to block a few balls."_

He's breathing hard. _It's just a block. It's just 1 out of 25 points. It's just a club activity._ He thinks.

_"When that moment arrives, it will be the time when you become addicted to volleyball. "_

_That 'moment', huh..._ He grins and raises his hand.

Kei shouts. "Yes!" _He shouts._ Then, everyone is screaming and ambushing him as they win the set. _This...this is fun._ And at that moment, Kei's mind goes back to the third gym and Bokuto-san's words. He thinks about a raven-haired middle blocker—a persistent, annoying, _annoying, annoying_ excuse of a cat.

_Thank you._

* * *

_**Love is crazy.** It's so maddening, making him feel giddy, annoyed, and all those other things._

After the Shiratorizawa match that landed Karasuno in Nationals, it's not just Kei's interest in volleyball that changed. He got an invite to Shiratorizawa's first-year training camp. It's something he never aimed for, especially with his lack of motivation regarding volleyball. After all, it's not like he breathed for volleyball. He never saw himself as the "best" of anything, deserving of any title of positive nature. And yet there he was, spending a week surrounded by capable people and strict coaches.

He may not be a monster like Hinata and Kageyama, but he can do this. He was forced to learn the set, taking in every grain of salt Goshiki freely belted out. Even Koganegawa's annoyingly high tosses showed him how high he can jump if he put more effort. As a middle blocker, that tall spiker grated on his nerves. Tch.

That wasn't the only thing that changed, though. Surely, Bokuto-san came through with his giddiness about being able to block Ushijima because Kei was able to. That giddiness entered his life through a group chat...a regret he belatedly realized, when his phone started to blow up every day with random pictures and chattering.

•••••

The team's on their way to the _izakaya_ they always go to after matches. Kei's not even in the mood to eat, opting to just tune out everyone as much as he can. As the bus pulls up, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Tadashi. He twitches and pushes up his eye cover. _Things would be so much easier if I was with dinosaurs._

Tadashi stands up and looks down at him expectantly. "C'mon, everyone's waiting." Kei sighs, packing up his headphones. So much for tuning everybody out. Just as the pair settled on their seats, Kei's phone vibrates.

He ignores it. _It's probably Nii-san._

It vibrates again. And again. And...again. Tadashi looks peers at his phone curiously, "Who's that?"

"The hell if I know," he tsks. Kei unlocks his phone to check on whoever it is who just can't seem to _wait._

His eyes widen."What the..." Oh no. He remembers to whom he gave his number to nearing the end of the Tokyo training camp.

**third gym squad <3**

> bOWLkuto: HEY HEY HEY TSUKKI CONGRATULATIONS! YOU DID SO GOOD YOU WERE AMAZING YOU WERE GREAT ASDJKHIUFGR
> 
> bOWLkuto: AND YOU BEAT USHIJIMA AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I DID GOOD TOO! RIGHT, AKAASHI?
> 
> pretty setter: Hello, Tsukishima-kun. Congratulations on your amazing play.
> 
> bOWLkuto: AKAASHI... I did great, right...
> 
> pretty setter: Yes, Bokuto-san.
> 
> bOWLkuto: OHO YES
> 
> ...why did I give you all my number...
> 
> thank you, akaashi-san
> 
> bOWLkuto: KUROO WHERE ARE U
> 
> bOWLkuto: @kuroo-nyan WRU BRO
> 
> bOWLkuto: @kuroo-nyan WRU KUBRO
> 
> bOWLkuto: @kuroo-nyan HEY
> 
> bOWLkuto: @kuroo-nyan HEY HE Y HEYYY
> 
> bOWLkuto: @kuroo-nyan KUROO
> 
> please stop spamming, bokuto-san
> 
> kuroo-nyan: MY DUDES im here
> 
> kuroo-nyan: heh @nobukatsu-kun congratulations on your win you were amazing
> 
> kuroo-nyan: it seems like my mentoring skills paid off
> 
> kuroo-nyan: oh but why the fuck am i kuroo-nyan
> 
> **_kuroo-nyan changed his nickname to kuroo the hottest_**
> 
> kuroo the hottest: yea better
> 
> yeah, right
> 
> _**nobukatsu-kun changed kuroo the hottest's nickname to rooster head** _
> 
> rooster head: oh yeah nobukatsu-kun? 
> 
> **_rooster head set changed your nickname from nobukatsu-kun to our tsukki <3_ **
> 
> bOWLkuto: oya?
> 
> pretty setter: oya? oya?
> 
> pretty setter: By the way, get well soon Tsukishima-kun.
> 
> 'our'? i am not yours, kuroo-san
> 
> i will, akaashi-san
> 
> bOWLkuto: WJDHSAKJ TSKKI WE LOVE YOU TAKE CSRE SO YOU CAN PRACTIVE WITH US AGAIN

"Is that Bokuto-san?" Tadashi suddenly speaks, looking over Kei's shoulder. Unfortunately, he didn't even bother to be discreet about the question and everyone was so tired that no one's making any noise to cover his voice up.

"Bokuto-san?" Hinata perks up. "How do you have Bokuto-san's number? How's he doing? Do you think we can practice with them again? Hey, can I—"

Kei growls, "Shut up!" He glares at his friend. _This is your fault._

Tadashi smiles apologetically, "Sorry, Tsukki!"

Before anyone can continue, Coach Ukai interrupts them. "Hey, hey, keep it down! Focus on your food, kids. You need the energy to heal those muscles you put into action today." Beside him, Takeda-sensei nods heartily. "Right, right! Just as you guys gave your all to come on top of such a laborious challenge, give your all to taking care of yourselves as well! Dig in, everyone."

Kei moves to slip his phone in his pocket before he feels it vibrate again. Just as he was about to ignore it, it lights up and shows a new name. Kuroo Tetsurou. 

_What?_

**kuroo tetsurou**

> kuroo tetsurou: hey
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: hey tsukki
> 
> there's already a group chat why are you messaging me
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: yeah haha well
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: how's your hand
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: make sure to take it easy for a few weeks
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: constantly check on it, maintain a tight bandage, and follow the doctor's orders

Kei blinks. That's...unexpected.

He didn't expect the smirking raven to care that much for the first year. 

> unlike others, i actually know how to live a little without volleyball
> 
> but uh
> 
> thank you kuroo-san
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: you'll be surprised how quickly you'll itch to block a ball
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: anw, you were amazing tsukki i wish i could've seen it in person
> 
> kuroo tetsurou: so, volleyball's fun now huh
> 
> tch. it's okay, i guess.

"It's nice that you found friends in camp, Tsukishima." Kei glances up to Tadashi's left to see Sugawara-senpai smiling at him. Feeling the beginnings of warmth on his cheeks, he steels himself. "They're not really my friends." He mumbles. He quickly hides his phone in his bag because _for_ _once,_ he's eager to eat.

•••••

The group chat's energy eventually mellows down, what with everyone's preparation for the Nationals. From the daily pictures from Bokuto-san toned down to random clips each one of them sent through the weeks. Bokuto-san's spikes (from Bokuto-san himself), pictures of Bokuto-san (...from Akaashi-san), selfies of himself (Kuroo-san...), and pictures of any random thing except himself (Kei, of course) healthily flooded the feed.

Kei doesn't admit it but the three upperclassmen were growing on him. He doesn't understand what they see in him that made them decide he was worth talking to, but he found their annoying antics slowly becoming bearable—if not welcome. Their names begin to pop up in conversations with Tadashi, mostly with him complaining about the questionable things one of the three (mostly Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san) did. 

In time, he finds that there are now several things he knows about them, and them about him. Unsurprisingly, Akaashi-san is a well-read person. He has a habit of reading anything that just seems interesting, regardless of style. Kei talks to him about books, especially after one instance they bonded over a manga series. Sometimes, he receives a mail with a list of recommendations that he'll immediately save. As the only other rational being in the group, it comforts Kei that there's someone he can connect to like this.

Even Bokuto-san surprisingly connected with him. Though in a much simpler sense, he appreciates how the ace randomly pops up to message him about something so simple and innocent to make him laugh. Of course, he fails more often than not. But sometimes a well-timed message rouses a smirk or half-chuckle out of the blonde. Well, no one can confirm that anyway. The two owls were pretty much as different as they can be but complement each other nonetheless.

•••••

The same couldn't be said for the bond between the two middle blockers.

Kei couldn't explain the feelings he seems to associate with Kuroo-san. From that week when the raven talked to him about his injury, Kei just can't seem to shake the man off his back. He would start a conversation without fail, building upon topics even with the blonde's short (and late) replies.

It was _annoying._ He didn't ask for cat photos, nor did he want to see videos of Nekoma practicing. He didn't need to know about Kuroo-san's day, his likes, his hobbies, _anything_ about him. Because that meant they were closer than what he signed up for. He was just supposed to be a senpai from another school. A senpai who criticized him and compared him to Hinata. A senpai who taught him what it takes to be a middle blocker. A senpai who put up with him and his bullshit.

The provocative middle blocker was just so good at leveling with him that it's so refreshing. He's unlike the dumb duo who just caves in every time he says something shitty. He's also different from Tadashi, even though both of them seem to be immune to his walls. But while Tadashi has the patience to slowly slither through the cracks, Kuroo-san seems to care less about looking for a hole. Rather, he just sees the wall as it is, understands that it's there, and goes on to climb it instead. He's like a mountain climber who just treks the way with risk and exhilaration. He challenges Kei's layers and brings himself forward with tactics of his own. Slowly, he's made himself somewhat of a fixture in Kei's life. 

•••••

Only a little over a week before Nationals starts, Kei is cooped up in his room slaving away with homework. He's already naturally organized and advance, but he knows that he needs to pick things up even more to have extra time for volleyball. _Wow, look at him adjusting his life for volleyball_. 

He scans his Mathematics homework one last time and before placing it inside his folder. Just as he grabs his reading for Japanese Literature, his phone pings. 

**kuroo-san**

> kuroo-san: hey 
> 
> kuroo-san: hey
> 
> what.
> 
> kuroo-san: what r u doing
> 
> kuroo-san: are u busy
> 
> yeah i am. don't talk to me
> 
> kuroo-san: tsukkiiii
> 
> kuroo-san: fr tho are u busy
> 
> you don't even believe me why bother
> 
> what is it
> 
> kuroo-san: heh can i call
> 
> no
> 
> kuroo-san: what
> 
> kuroo-san: NO WAIT IT'S IMPORTANT LIKE
> 
> ....
> 
> kuroo-san: legit important!!
> 
> fine
> 
> _**kuroo-san is calling...** _

Kei stares at the ringing phone he's holding. Should he answer it? Kuroo-san's never called before.

_Maybe it's important?_

He stares at the work in front of him and contemplates. Sighing, he accepts the call. "What." 

A deep chuckle. "Hey, Tsukki. Be a little more excited, will you? Didn't you miss your mentor?" Kei rolls his eyes and snips, "You bother me every day, why would I miss you?"

"Oya?" Kuroo perks up. Kei can practically imagine the other's smirk overtaking his face. "So if I didn't talk to you every day, you'd miss me?"

The blonde stiffens. "I didn't say that." He immediately responds, "Why are you even calling? I'll end this now." Even as he says this, Kei closes his laptop and moves toward his bed. He shuffles and makes himself comfortable while listening to the casual humming on the phone. "So?" he asks.

"Oh. Right..." Kuroo begins. "So."

Kei is confused. Is he nervous or something? 

"If you don't out with it, I'll really end the call." He continues. "I'm busy. I have homework."

He hears an exhale. Kuroo laughs a little. "Ah. I don't want to really bother you. I can call another time." _He plans to call again?_

Kei then realizes that he's been clutching his pillow with sweaty hands. "It's fine. What do you want?"

"Okay. So the other day there was a booth fair in Nekoma. Naturally, Lev and the others nagged the team to browse around after practice." Kei hears the amusement in Kuroo-san's voice as he talks. "And get this. Lev tried to play the goldfish scooping game to give Yaku a random item. He was so bad at it the keeper almost run out of plates!" As the older middle blocker continued, Kei can't help but smile at how engrossed he was at narrating. "We had to drag him away. And Yaku got a plushie for himself with one try." There it is again. The signature cackle of his.

"But anyway," he hurries up. "There was a customizable charm stall beside it. It was so cute, Tsukki!" Kei hums, closing his eyes as he is lulled by the other's voice."Everyone got one. Kenma had this pudding charm for his DS and I got a cute little _kuro_ _neko_ charm. And then, I found these little charms. There were a half-eaten strawberry and a roaring dinosaur." _Cute._

Kuroo-san's voice wavers, "It was cute, yeah? And it reminded me of you. So I bought it for you!" 

_Oh, cute. That's nice. He bought the charms. Okay, what's next?_

One beat. Another silent beat. _Wait—_

The blonde sits up—nevermind that his glasses are askew by how fast he went—and he breathes. "Wait, what?" 

"What? I said I bought charms for you," the senior replies. He pretends not to notice the shuffling in the background and the almost hidden tone of hesitance. Still, Kei is silent. "So make sure to do well in Nationals and face us, yeah?" Kei's not blushing right now. His heart certainly isn't beating too fast for his liking. 

"You didn't have to do that." Kuroo interrupts, "Yeah, but I wanted to." Kei grips his phone harder if that's even possible. _Why is the mood like this? Something's up._

What the hell is happening. _I should say something. I need to stop combusting and think of a response._

But just as he tries to decode everything, Kuroo-san goes back to the annoying captain that he is. "Train really hard, though. I want to see how my _kouhai_ has grown," he jibes. And just like that, the spell is broken.

Kei harrumphs, "You don't need to call to say that. Besides, _you_ should get ready for your ass to get kicked." He hears another laugh.

"Eh, I wanted to hear your voice." There it is again. One beat of silence to a thousand thumps of his heart.

"Bye Tsukki, you should get back on your homework. Don't miss me too much!" **_end call._**

His face burns. _What the fuck?_

Apparently, the spell is still there.

•••••

The confusion that led to days counting to the match was intense. He didn't know what to make of the first call and he decides not to linger (he does, he definitely does). _First—_ because Kei accepting that one call seemed to signal to the raven that he wanted more.

Kei doesn't really _want_ more. Maybe he does? What he knows is that for some reason, those calls became somewhat the bearable part of his days.

They didn't even really do anything in particular. Seeing that both were responsible students and athletes, they mostly sat in silence, using each other as companions while working on whatever task they had planned for the day.

The call often starts after dinner for both boys, with Kuroo asking about his day or talking about how his own day went. Talk about the practice was kept to a minimum, mostly with crass remarks about what's looming over the horizon.

Sometimes though, when it was apparent that the blonde wasn't in the mood to socialize, the older would play some music that he knows the other likes (apparently, Kuroo-san loved music too). He'd wait after a few songs before trying to weasel out information out of Kei, something he's slowly becoming good at. He's careful not to cross boundaries but isn't scared to challenge them too.

Kei won't admit it in front of him but he hopes this (whatever _this_ is) goes on even after Spring High.

It really irks him that he isn't as repulsed to the idea of calling and talking and going to whatever road Kuroo's leading him to, but he can't say he hates it. 

Tch. Such an _annoying_ feeling. Here he was, exhausted after that indescribable match with Inarizaki, and he thinks about that rooster head. 

_I can't wait for tomorrow._ It'd be a plus if he could smack a ball to the older guy's face.

•••••

They're different now, Nekoma and Karasuno. Kei's fingers twitch in anticipation as he recalls that amazing block Kuroo put up against their five-man block. When they've never tried it to Nekoma before. _Heh. That was cool._ It's only the first set and he already sees how different the Battle of the Trash Heap is compared to all the other games they've played.

"I told you, you wanna put 'em forward..." Looking as sharp as ever, the raven comes up to the blonde. Kei smirks, "Handing out advice to opponents again? I see you are as self-confident as ever." 

Kuroo snickers, "Nah. I just do it to mess with you." The blonde glares at him over the net and switches with Nishinoya-senpai. _Just you wait, bedhead._ He still feels eyes on him as he turns his back to the court. 

He goes back in for another change, but not before hearing Sugawara-senpai shout to the whole court about him being beating Kuroo's ass. He simply replies, "No, I can't."

He looks at the man of the conversation—stares at the person he knows is one of the reasons why he got to this particular match. Just in time, Tadashi is substituted for the serve. Kei smirks.

"You see, never in my life have I thought I could challenge someone and win. I mean, me? Outdo you, Kuroo-san?" He laughs, "Goodness. No. Never." _But volleyball is not one-on-one._

He sobers up, steels himself, and continues, "I am under no illusion that I could ever beat you on my own." The referee whistles.

Tadashi goes on for the jump float, with it being received by Nekoma's libero. Kei thinks _The others don't know yet but that was perfect._ The serve was not meant to be a service ace. It was meant to limit the possibilities of their opponent to attack, making the follow-up more predictable.

Locking them in, what's next is a strong block. After all, blocking is a system.

Again, he thinks about the raven's playful attack earlier. _Forward? You want forward, I'll give you that._ He runs in the direction of the ball and inhales for momentum. He jumps and holds his hands up and then _forward—_ makes his block the imposing and menacing as ever.

The blocks hit his arm and bounce off the opponent's court.

He comes down and he closes his eyes, breathing hard. There's a different satisfaction a kill brings, especially when it's accompanied by the annoyed and angered reactions of his opponents. 

He laughs inside, God, _I'm an asshole._

"Tsukki," a voice starts. Kei looks up in surprise. There, staring at him with such intensity despite the exhaustion. Kuroo smiles and asks the blonde, "How's volleyball been for you lately?" He remembers.

The Tokyo Training Camp. The Third Gym. Moments that gave him the courage to face not just volleyball, but himself. People pushed him to recognize his capabilities. He goes back to the bonds forged, starting with an invitation. 

Kei exhales, "Thanks to you..." _Thank you. You, most of all._

_Hey, can you come and block for us?_

He smiles, looking at eyes that show a certain softness his laptop can't convey. Gazes at the person who has been making him go crazy with feeling. "Every once in a blue moon, it's fun."

•••••

_Once in a blue moon, it's fun? What the fuck that was so lame why would I say that?_

Everyone's still on a high after their win against Nekoma, having the energy to fool around their rented room. But here Kei was, breaking down about the words he said to the cat middle blocker. He quite literally wants to bash his head in a wall somewhere. Growling, Kei shoves his earphones on, hoping to drown out the thoughts he can't seem to turn off. 

Tapping away to queue on songs, a notification pops up that makes him choke. Tadashi looks over him worriedly, "Tsukki, is everything okay?" He rolls over so he can hide his slowly reddening face to his friend, mumbling a soft "no."

_**kuroo** _

> kuroo: hey, are you awake?

He looks at the time. 10 PM. _Why the hell is he texting this late?_

The sudden text does wonders to the thoughts he's been keeping down, really. _Fuck_. Another ping.

_**kuroo**_

> kuroo: i wanted to give you the charms
> 
> kuroo: but if you're asleep, i can't give it another time. you should rest

Okay, _now_ he's really blushing. He thanks the heavens his futon was positioned at the corner of the room. Trying to control his heartbeat, he settles on a typical reply.

**_kuroo_ **

> well, with all your texts i am now
> 
> shouldn't you be home?
> 
> kuroo: oh hey
> 
> kuroo: nah, it's okay
> 
> kuroo: so, can you come down?

_Come down? Come the_ fuck _down?_ Kei screams internally. Leave it to the rooster head to be this impulsive.

**_kuroo_ **

> what the hell? you're here?
> 
> so what would you have done if i was asleep
> 
> wait, i'm on my way

He can't handle this. The guy really isn't good for this lifespan.

Shaking his head off unwanted (read: very much needed) thoughts, he quickly puts on a hoodie. Unfortunately, the action gathers the attention of their vice-captain. "Eh, Tsukishima are you going somewhere?" The others then turn to look at him. On the spot, he just stares at Tadashi. _Help me out._

Getting the hint, Tadashi speaks. "Are you going on a walk?" Kei tilts his head in response. Nice save. At this, Daichi-san replies, "Okay, then. I trust that you know your way around. Don't take too long and keep your phone with you, alright?" He nods. Just as he slides the door open, he feels his phone vibrate consecutively.

_**kuroo** _

> kuroo: i would've tried again

_**tadashi** _

> tadashi: is it kuroo-san?
> 
> tadashi: (¬‿¬ )
> 
> tadashi: take care, tsukki! (*¯︶¯*)

He groans. He doesn't know if he regrets telling Tadashi about his life. As for the other text, _fuck my life._ Kei trudges down the stairs, all the while trying to fix his composure. As much as he can, anyway. He reaches the foot of the staircases and sees the unmistakable case of bedhead outside the entrance with his back on the blonde.

With slow and measured strides, he steps out of the inn and taps the raven's shoulder, "Hey." 

Kuroo turns, surprised. "Hey." With his whole profile open, it was then that the younger realized how different the other looked when he wasn't wearing his classic Nekoma uniform. Clad in a black hoodie and skinny jeans, he looked much younger. _And attractive._

"You did amazing earlier," he smiles. _Yeah. And attractive._ Kei coughs, "Thanks, you too." The man reaches out to his pocket and grabs a little pouch. Reaching out to the blonde, "Here. Remember our first call?"

Kei could only nod as he accepts the gift.

Their fingers brush and he doesn't know if he imagined Kuroo lingering for a moment. Damn. Now he can't hide the warmth on his cheeks.

"Thank you," he mutters. "I hope you don't expect a gift from Miyagi." The raven chuckles, "Nah. Seeing you was enough."

"Shut up." A laugh. Kuroo stretches and speaks lightly, "I don't want to keep you. You need rest for tomorrow." Kei nods and takes him in before he leaves. _God knows when we'll see each other again._ He looks down before he gets caught.

He feels eyes on him. "Oh, I know what you can give me." 

_What?_

"Call me Kuroo."

With that, hands grab his own and squeeze. It holds for a few seconds before letting go. "Bye, Tsukki."

If his face remains red when he enters the shared room, no one comments on it. His only thought after all was, _Kuroo._

* * *

_**Love is confusing.** It's just mixed feelings and frustration. Is it even worth it?_

But moments don't hold when nothing's set in stone. Even with how often they talked or how comfortable they've become with each other's presence, both hold back. The pair dance around in circles, thriving and restricting themselves in the banter they cozy with. 

They settle with blurred lines, on trips far from people's eyes, moments hidden at up until 2 AM when Kei disguises short bouts of affection as slip-ups. Kuroo goes with what he does best. He provokes. He challenges. He sends hints (sometimes _more_ than hints) but never gives too much.

Maybe they're scared. Both are still budding teens, after all. 

Kei doesn't know what this is yet, he thinks. He just knows that there's something in between them he can't name. Perhaps he, himself, doesn't want to as well. But even then, he's unsure. He overthinks.

Kei, a person clutching rationality to his core, settling for an unknown?

He knows, though, that he's the only person Kuroo does this with. But what does he even call this? The _this_ makes him want to rip his locks out in confusion. He's scared that he doesn't know and sometimes he just wants to drop it all. He despairs, is it even a good thing that it's just us? 

He overthinks. He occludes. 

Maybe they aren't ready yet.

Kei's riding on a high with volleyball and is in the works with repairing his relationship with his brother. He needs to find a way to balance everything in his life as he transitions to another year. Can he add another thing to those?

Kuroo—what can he say? The senior's going to college soon, with a future he cares about building. With captainship to pass and opportunities lined up to grab, he needs to settle his priorities. And he thinks maybe, _maybe Kei isn't ready._

_Or is whatever that's happening even something?_

Maybe they're cowards. They dip in but don't bite. They settle. 

There's no camp to drive them together now, no battle to spur them on. The distance just becomes even more of a stark division. They slip away, the video calls and the texts. If Bokuto and Akaashi notice the dwindling activity of the two in the group chat, they don't say anything. 

Are they only making excuses? Maybe. But at that point, when both have things to worry about and have what was once their _comfort_ becomes something confusing and frustrating, can they really be blamed for ~~giving up~~?

With no assurance, no thread to validate the feelings...the moments once whispered _special_ became the opposite—and it hurt.

* * *

_**Love is painful.** Maybe this is not it. Do I even deserve love?_

Kei wonders. _Ah, is this the last time?_

He gazes at the back of his teammates, fulfilled and rowdy despite the bone-crushing match that earned them a loss. It's still a win, after all. They're third years in their final Spring High. Despite the previous losses with Date Tech and Inarizaki the last year, the team was able to push through the center court now. Karasuno, placing third in the nation after the loss to Itachiyama. 

The middle blocker walks slowly as if soaking everything in. He takes in the place, one that held so many memories of tears of happiness and loss—a reminder of how volleyball came to mean in his life.

_Hey glasses, can you come up a bit and block for us?_

He chuckles wistfully. _What a memory to pop up now._ But he understands because that's where it all started. Disregarding the heavy feeling that slithered in with the memory, he catches up to the direction of their bus. Maybe he needs to stop being dramatic.

He reaches the threshold when he hears a familiar boisterous voice shout, "Tsukki!" His head whips in the direction of the voice and sees the exciting figure of Bokuto running up to him with Akaashi on his heels. 

"Hello, Tsukishima. You did well," Akaashi taps his arms as congratulations. "Hey, hey, hey!" Bokuto crushes him in a hug, unaware of the looks he's getting not only from the blonde's teammates but to the general audience. Sighing and disentangling himself from the hyperactive owl, "Thank you very much. I didn't expect you here."

Bokuto squawks, "But we texted you! I even sent you a picture of my pet for good luck!" Seeing the possibility of the sad-mode, Akaashi swiftly buts in and looks at Kei meaningfully, "Maybe he forgot. I'm sure he saw it." The blonde nods in response, wanting to keep Bokuto happy. He tells himself to check out his phone when he gets home.

"Anyway," Bokuto starts. "You really did amazing out there! I'm so proud of you guys! And that block you did in the second set? _Smash._ Badass, Tsukki!" Kei smiles, it's been a while since they met up. The two were very busy in Tokyo. And with him back in Miyagi, they had to make do with short phone calls. _Maybe I should visit—_

Bokuto perks up, "Oh, and Kuroo sends his congratulations!" The middle blocker stiffens for a split second. _Kuroo?_ He recovers quickly but he's sure Akaashi saw, what with how he elbows his partner. The other just blinks owlishly in reply.

Seeing as there's nothing he can do, Kei gives a slight smile. "Ah, please send in my thanks." He promptly glances around to look for his teammates to find them gone. He follows up, "But I need to go. The team is waiting for me." 

Both bid him goodbye and he bows in response. He turns his back to the pair and tightens his grip on his bag. Akaashi calls out to him, "Kei." He looks back.

"Don't be a stranger, alright? We missed you." He sees the soft look in the man's eyes as if urging him to understand. "Sure," the middle blocker simply says and tips his head before he goes on his way. 

_Congratulations, huh?_ It's not even the crack of dawn there, how can he be awake to say that. Currently, in his second year, Kuroo got accepted for a student exchange in the US. He didn't really know which university, nor did he make an effort to weasel out details from their mutual friends. All he knows is that he's going to be there for his whole sophomore year. And that he's having the time of his life, given the pictures he sometimes sends in the third gym group chat. He sighs as he reaches their ride. _During the game, he's there. And now he pops up again._

Kei climbs up and trudges to the reserved seat beside Tadashi, "Not sitting with Yachi today?"

His best friend blushes. "No." He continues, "Are you okay, Tsukki?" Kei knows the other saw who he was talking to earlier. 

He ignores the server, wearing his headphones and blasts up the music instead, and closes his eyes. Moments later he mutters, "Later." Because they need to celebrate. Later, because he deserves this. And because he doesn't want to face the heavy feeling crawling up to his heart.

•••••

After the celebration at the _izakaya,_ Tadashi and Kei walk back home together like always. Kei's headphones are slung around his neck, signaling that he's open to conversation. 

Tadashi sighs wistfully beside him, "I'll miss this. This is the last time we're walking post-match." Kei retorts, "Don't say that." Surprisingly, denial is all he can muster up when shown the reality of graduating. He elbows his best friend, annoyed at the downturn of the conversation. Getting the hint, Tadashi snickers. "Oho! Are you going sentimental on me Tsukki?" The blonde glares at the corner of his eyes.

A few more steps later, his best friend speaks up hesitantly, "...What happened earlier? Do you want to talk about it?" 

Kei looks ahead, not open to showing the flash of emotion the conversation brings. He shrugs, "Apparently they saw the match. So they congratulated us." Tadashi smiles, "That's nice! It must've been nice to see them." But he's waiting. He knows there's something more.

The blonde put his hands in his pockets forms a loose fist. "Bokuto-san told me Kuroo wanted to pass on congratulations." He slowed his stride and pushed his glasses up. "That's all."

He tries. He really tries to rein in his hurt. But Tadashi knows his best friend. He knows how soft-hearted the blonde is inside the rock hard exterior.

A sigh. "Tsukki. We've been over this."

Kei walks faster, only to halt as Tadashi continues, "You can't run away forever, you know?"

He whirls back and snaps, "I'm not." An eyebrow raise.

"Really," his best friend challenges. "You don't talk about what happened. You didn't even process everything because you shoved them in the back of your mind. Now, you freeze when he comes up in conversations."

He lashes out. "So? What the hell do you want me to do, fly to New York?" That's dramatic. They weren't even anything.

Tadashi walks closer to him and frowns, "I don't know, what do you think should you do? What do you need to do?" His fist tightens but doesn't reply. The other presses on.

"Tsukki... It's okay to feel, you know? It's okay to feel sad or to regret it. It's been two years, and clearly, there's still something to be resolved." His best friend goes on, offering a comforting hand. "I can't tell you what to do. But as your best friend, I know that you'll regret it more if you let it go on like this." Silence.

"You told me about it, even if it's not a lot. It was a lot of confusion and frustration." Kei starts walking again, albeit slowly. Tadashi follows, "Don't you think what's needed is clarity? It can go either way, but that may be the first step that you need."

"But even with regrets, there's only now. And now, you're different. You've grown. And maybe Kuroo-san has too."

Finally, Kei responds. "When did you get so good at this?" _T_ _hank you, Tadashi._

His best friend smiles softly, getting the message. He chuckles, "You know when." Yes, he does. He knows about the slow but sure development between the now-captain and their manager. It took a lot of understanding on Tadashi's part, but now they're strong and together. 

"You know, Tsukki? That time, no matter how short, I felt that you were less sad, if not happy." Kei could only stare straight ahead, seeing them near his house. "So maybe you owe yourselves at least a conversation. Regardless of whatever goes on with and after that. Because no matter how painful things got, what you got then was good right?" His heart clenches in response. 

The pair stops as they reach his gate. Kei feels a tap on his shoulder. "Have a good night, Tsukki." Tadashi smiles tenderly, "You deserve happiness too."

•••••

Silent, he proceeds to his room and does his routine. He lies down and stares at the ceiling, thinking about the earlier conversation.

_Regret?_

Kei chuckles bitterly. Regret means admitting he was weak—that he was wrong. It means spitting on their memories, on the connection he's _sure_ he didn't imagine. On the bond he _hopes_ meant as much to the other man as it did for him. 

He didn't want to regret, because that means opening himself—the heart he protects so strongly—was a mistake. 

Regrets mean shitting on the feelings he has until this very moment. Because even though the moments they had were far and few in between, they meant _so much_ to him he loses his breath just thinking about them.

He remembers fingertips caressing skin, burning trails in its wake. A hand held under the moonlight.

On cold nights, with his mind at its darkest, he tries to imagine. _Maybe if he thinks hard enough—if he imagines—he'd get the sliver of that feeling back_. He holds on to the warmth he once felt, hoping it could chase away the cage of loneliness he encased himself in. 

He remembers falling asleep at the dead of the night, only to have such a comforting, ~~loving~~ _caring_ voice wake him up from his laptop. He remembers feeling light and breathless then, wishing it happened every day. If only he could have those eyes look at him the same way again, make him feel as _treasured_.

He misses Kuroo so much it _hurts_. 

It scares him, knowing such feelings existed—that it was possible to find such comfort in another person. It scares him because _what if he doesn't feel it again?_

He bared himself, to an extent. How awful is that if he just chooses to _regret_?

The moonlight filters in the window, casting a light glow upon the room.

He chances upon the photo he framed on his desk two years ago. It was a simple picture taken when he was in his first year, tired from training in the Tokyo Camp. Still, the moment one school manager captured was a little perfect.

It was of the four of them in the third gym—Bokuto, Akaashi, Kuroo, and Kei. Bokuto was laughing straight at the camera with his arms around Akaashi and Kuroo. Akaashi was smiling serenely at his left while holding a ball. Kuroo was smirking at the person to his right he was trying to grab. And Kei—he was glaring at the camera while trying to loosely escape the raven's hold. But even the picture caught the glimmer in his eyes. _What a nice memory._

Closing his eyes and willing sleep to take over him, he lets the tears flow. 

* * *

_**Love is a choice.** But, it's also not._

The break comes by, but Kei's conversation with Tadashi that night stays at the forefront of his mind.

Now that they're officially done with college prep and almost finished with high school, there's not much else to busy his mind about. So, he suffers. 

Kei thinks, and thinks, and _thinks._

He knows he's changed a lot in the two years he hadn't talked to the man. He's become more sure of himself—grown. Although a slow process, he'd even come to call the Dumb Duo and Yachi as his friends. Together with Yamaguchi, the five of them made quite a tight-knit group. To an extent, he even developed a certain affection for the younger crows.

He doesn't know what would've happened if he didn't let go at that time. _Would things have been better? Did he lose two years of happiness?_

Kei remembers how he hated himself back then. For letting go. For allowing a beautiful thing to walk past him. For letting himself be vulnerable. He blamed himself for everything.

But he can't latch on to that. Tadashi made him realize that. If there's anything to regret, it's that things were left to blow away as they did. 

So, he waits. 

He waits for the chance he can set things right, even just for closure. And even though the thought of them parting ways after talking makes him tremble, he wills himself to make a leap first.

_You say this_ , Kei mocks himself. _But you're still scared. You haven't even picked up your phone to contact him._

Coward.

•••••

The next day, he comes down after another night of restless sleep. He was up all night thinking about Kuroo. Again. 

Reaching the kitchen, he sees Nii-san helping their Mom with breakfast. "Good morning," he greets as he presses a small peck on his mother's cheek. Yawning softly, he grabs the utensils and proceeds to set the table. Minutes later, the small family is well into their food. 

As they finish up, Mom speaks up. "Boys, have you settled your arrangements for the next two weeks?" He stops midbite. _Two weeks..._

Glancing at the calendar near the fridge, he sees a huge mark with the words "flight" in bold. _Shit._

He completely forgot. They always visit Dad when there's at least a 2-week free schedule for the three. Apparently, that's next week. They're going to New Jersey. 

He inhales sharply. 

USA. _Where Kuroo is right now._

"Kei, honey?" He hears a worried voice. The blonde looks at his mom and only shook his head in response. He needs to go. 

He quickly finishes his meal, stands up, and excuses himself. "Yes, I'm preparing. I just remembered that I forgot to do something. If you would excuse me." He doesn't take note of the shared glance between the two remaining at the table. Instead, he hurries back up to his room and calls Tadashi.

Two rings.

 _"Tsukki?"_ The man picks up after two rings. _"Is everything alright?"_

"No," he utters. He drops his body onto the bed and curls himself against his favorite pillow. "We're visiting Dad next week."

 _"Well, that's great!"_ He hears the confusion translated in the line. He doesn't get it. _"Do you need help with packing? I can come over and—"_

Kei rubs his eyes and interrupts his best friend, "Tadashi." His voice wavers, carrying the panic beyond the static. "New Jersey. _USA."_ He waits for the meaning to sink in.

_"Oh."_

He laughs hollowly. "Yeah. _Oh._ "

As if watching his words, Tadashi asks, "Are you going to talk to him?" Even without the other saying anything more, Kei hears it anyway. _You should._

So he answers, "Yeah. I will." 

Kei hears a smile as his best friend speaks. "That's good. Let me know once you do. Or if you need help." He says his thanks and drops the call.

Should he message the third gym chat? Maybe talk to Bokuto and Akaashi first? Or maybe he can just wait till he gets there first. Give himself time to think and adjust.

_No. No more excuses._

Before he changes his mind, he opens up a contact. It's still early on the night in New York, so the guy's probably awake. That is if he even wants to respond to Kei. 

_**kuroo-san** _

> hello, kuroo-san?

Kei waits. Kuroo is probably working anyway. He tries to busy himself with checking his schedule and messaging important people about his travel plans. But he's restless, he can't keep himself from checking his phone for any message.

Thirty minutes pass. No reply.

He twitches. _Maybe he's asleep?_

Kei tries to pack instead. But before he could unload his luggage from his closet, he hears a familiar ping.

Slamming the cabinet door shut, he rushes to his bed and reaches for the phone on the bedside table.

**_kuroo-san_ **

> kuroo-san: tsukki?
> 
> kuroo-san: can i help you?

He groans. _Fuck you Tadashi._ What is he supposed to say now?

**_kuroo-san_ **

> hello, kuroo-san
> 
> kuroo-san: what's up

Internal screaming. Why did he reply so fast? Give me time to think. Fuck you. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

_Okay, Kei. Calm. You need to do this._ He hates that he feels like a middle school student texting his crush but he also prefers this to cover up the inexplicable feeling he has because, after two years, they're talking again.

He tries to tamp down the _ache_ because it wasn't this hard to talk to Kuroo before. White-knuckled, he clutches his phone and types a reply. _It's best to rip the bandaid off._

**_kuroo-san_**

> i'm going to the US next week.
> 
> can we meet up?
> 
> _**seen.** _

Quelling the anxiety rushing through his brain, Kei closes his eyes and holds his breath. He rationalizes. Kuroo is probably shocked, he would be too if it was the other way around. He exhales. _Don't expect anything to come out of this, Kei._

**_kuroo-san_**

> sorry
> 
> sure
> 
> how long will you be here?
> 
> two weeks
> 
> i can adjust depending on your schedule
> 
> just let me know
> 
> okay, i'll text you
> 
> see you, tsukki

He tries not to hate the coldness. Or how the conversation ended so abruptly. Or how this feels wrong because maybe he should've called. But at the same time, he knows he isn't ready to hear Kuroo's voice yet. 

He needs to be patient. _The ball's at your court now._

•••••

That night, Kei knocks at his mom's door. She calls out, "Come in." The older blonde was sitting at the foot of her bed as if preparing to lie down. But she looks up and sees her son's face. Sees her firefly, looking so torn and exhausted. He approaches and sits beside her. 

"Mom," he whispers. "Can I ask you a question?"

It was not a secret in the Tsukishima family that Kei was a mama's boy. From a baby, the only one who could ever elicit a bubbly laugh from him was his mother. And even as he grew up to be more private, sometimes—when it mattered—he knew he could come to her. So seeing her baby carrying such a load makes her heart clench. It makes her want to fight whatever it is making him feel this way. But instead, she holds his hand the only way a mother could, "Of course."

"You know about the question I asked you years ago?" He tries. Kei looks at the side, where her dresser was. His eyes zero in on the picture of his parents, clutching each other with so much love. He continues, looking at his lap, "About love?" 

Ah.

Yes, she does. It surprised her that her son would ask about such a question at a young age. But in hindsight, the mother shouldn't have been surprised. Her Kei was a soft and sensitive boy, after all. And witnessing him look so conflicted, with his other hand balled so tight on his lap and gaze tightly drawn downward, understanding dawns upon her. _He found it._

Caressing his hands, she says softly, "Yes. Do you want to talk about it, firefly?"

A soft tremble. 

There it is. At the mention of her nickname private to his mother, it's as if the tension in his body leaves him.

He looks at her, and the mother can't help but both marvel and mourn at the tears shining in her son's eyes. 

She's happy that he finally found someone, beyond _happy_ he's met love. But she mourns the pain her son must be feeling, knowing the conflict he must be battling against himself. But she can't interfere. He needs this.

The older blonde draws her son close, hugging him tightly. He clutches back and shakes, letting the tears fall on his mom's shoulder. He chokes, "Why does it have to hurt?" 

She brushes through blonde locks and whispers, "Because you care, honey. You _feel_. And in love, it brings you so much pain just thinking about losing the person—because they're important."

Soft sobs wreck the boy's body. "I messed up, Mom." The woman grips tighter and lets her son release what must be a lot of pent-up emotions. 

After a few minutes, when cries turn to deep breathing, she brings him up and stares at him. She brushes the remaining tears off his eyes. "But you're here. That means you want to fix it."

She takes a hand and brushes a soft kiss on white knuckles, "Remember what I said? There's a lot of sacrifices in love. Now, if you choose to love, firefly, you have to take it."

Calmed down, Kei smiles slightly. "I will."

* * *

_**Love is worth it.** Oh, how wonderful it is to have you._

When the day comes, Kei takes his dad's car.

It's been four days since he got in New Jersey. Enough days to adjust his body to the new timezone, but not enough to prepare him for what's going to happen.

The pair agreed to meet on a Thursday afternoon, just after Kuroo finishes up with lab work. Seeing as Kei was the one with the car, the blonde insisted on being the one to travel farther. Kuroo refused, of course. But Kei reasoned that Jersey City was barely a twenty-minute ride to Manhattan if he takes the Holland Tunnel. Besides, he lets the raven pick the meeting place as a compromise. 

_But really, I just wanted more time to prepare myself._ He taps his fingers on his steering wheel, tuning in with the loud music to drown out his nerves. He's in a casual outfit today, trying to look both his best and aloof self in a white wool turtleneck, paired with black jeans and ankle boots. He adds on a cream trench coat and deep red scarf to battle the chilly NY weather.

 _Not that Kuroo gave him time,_ he muses as he drives past the Hudson River. Coincidentally (he thinks not), the raven picked out a quaint place near the border between Jersey City and New York. _Maman_ , the cafe was named. If he remembers correctly from young memories, the place was a mix of French and American and had very warm staff.

Kei turns right just as he passes the boundary. Kuroo's already there, apparently taking the liberty to order. He types a quick text, _I'm here,_ and proceeds to park at the spot that's miraculously open near the cafe. He puts on his coat and scarf before exiting the car. A soft ping rings out of his pocket. 

_**kuroo** _

> kuroo: i'll meet you outside

Clammy hands put the phone back in place.

Kei exhales and walks forward. _It's time._

Two years. It's been so long since he last saw the man, and he doesn't know what to expect. Kei tells himself to prepare for anything. But he hopes—damn, he hopes to fix this and have Kuroo back in his life again.

He shakes his head. _Ah, what am I thinking?_

The blonde rounds off the corner and looks up in search of a telltale mass of bedhead amidst the busy New York traffic. A few steps in and his breath stutters out of him.

Kei spots him first. 

There, right in front of the cafe, was Kuroo clad in all black. He's every bit that Kei imagined him to be, with his unruly hair, broad shoulders, and charismatic stance. But he's also not.

Because their eyes lock, and he feels himself drown in a gaze he hadn't remembered to be as deep as this. He doesn't know if it's because they're not in high school anymore, or maybe it's because of the intense feeling that he has just at the thought of Kuroo—that _seeing_ the man weakens him.

They meet halfway, and Kei tries his best to still his heart that's seemingly hellbent on flying to the man now in front of him.

_He's here._

_Kuroo._

_I missed you._

Kei wills himself not to break, not here. But he hears the deep voice he'd come to _miss_ saying, "Hey, Tsukki," and he really struggles. He bites his lip and tries for a small smile in response, "Hi, it's nice to see you again." _Don't look at me like that, please._

Kuroo's eyes are not sporting the playful glint it normally does. His gaze feels _searching._ For what, Kei doesn't know. He sees the man's hands twitch as if wanting to reach out, and he thanks the gods he doesn't do so because Kei's not ready for that.

But he wants to hug him and _hold his hand_ but refrains himself. Instead, he opts to enter the cafe and lets the other man lead him to their place. They walk toward the end, at the round corner booth that ensures privacy when Kei spots a very familiar dessert laid on the table.

_This is unfair._

The blonde stares in wonder at the raven in front of him. Kuroo rubs the back of his neck, a mannerism Kei caught he does when nervous, and says, "I heard that they have amazing strawberry shortcakes here." The pair sit down.

Silence. A murmur of "thank you."

"How are you?" Kuroo asks. 

Silence.

A short response, "I'm okay."

More silence. He _hates_ this silence. He wants to ask, _What happened to you?_

_How have you been?_

_Do you hate me?_

_Can we try again?_

He wants to shout, _I missed you so much, I want you back._

_Please, have me._

But before he could, Kuroo breaks the silence and asks, "Kei," A sharp inhale from the blonde, "Why did you contact me?"

 _More_ silence. 

_Why can't I speak the fuck up?_

The younger man twists his fingers in front of him. Kuroo sighs.

The raven aims to speak, with a defeated and _tired_ expression, and Kei hates that. So he beats him to it.

"I-" 

Kei clenches his eyes shut. "I miss you." He holds himself down and continues, "I miss you so much."

He lets go.

"I wanted to talk to you for so long. I wanted to ask how you've been. I wanted to wish you luck on your graduation, on the university, on volleyball, on this trip."

He doesn't realize that his hands are shaking, but he feels the corner of his eyes sting. He pushes on.

"I wanted to say sorry because I was a coward. Sorry that I hurt you." He rambles, "I wanted to tell how much it hurt letting everything fall apart. How much it hurt letting you go."

He expels a breath.

"But I couldn't. And I hated myself for it. And I don't know what I'm doing now. I don't know what compelled me to text you because clearly, I'm ruining your day and—"

His voice breaks off right when a hand covers his. The tears are flowing freely now, and he wants to punch himself for being so dramatic. But he _can't_ stop. Because he spent two years thinking of _Kuroo_ , holding on to what's remaining of his memory of the man. And now he's here, right beside him and it hurts because Kei feels like _he's still so far away_. 

He registers heat right beside him, and fingers tilting his head up.

He said he wouldn't expect, that he'd take whatever it is Kuroo can give. But he _wishes_ to have him to _love._

More tears fall as he gazes upon equally glassy eyes, and he wants to say _fuck you, don't make me cry more._ But he doesn't say it. 

Instead, he takes the leap and throws off rational thinking for a moment. He grabs the hand clutching his own closer to his lips and presses a soft kiss, trembling. He caresses and opens a strong, callous hand and _leans_ just to feel. He whispers, "You're in front of me, and yet—I still miss you, Tetsurou."

A whispered, "Moonshine," and Kuroo rushes in.

He pulls the blonde in his arms, holding tight. "I'm sorry." 

Kei closes his eyes, burrowing himself deep in the raven's arms, listening to Kuroo's heartbeat as he speaks. "I'm so sorry, Kei. I hurt you, I never wanted that."

"I'm sorry for giving up. For quitting when I'm ahead when I could've talked to you. I'm sorry for not reaching out sooner. I'm sorry for not being honest. God, Kei—" his voice breaks off.

"Moonshine, _I love you._ "

Kei can't breathe, he feels like he's freefalling.

Three words. Three words that completely unravel him.

He raises his head and gazes at hazel eyes, unhinges at the softness and passion reflected openly.

"I've loved you for a long time, but I didn't admit it. I was scared."

"But I do. _So much._ " _Tetsurou_ laughs softly, brushing remaining tears off Kei's eyes.

"Can we try again, properly this time?"

The blonde doesn't speak, but he smiles—the most beautiful thing Tetsurou has ever seen.

Kei runs his hand through soft raven locks and pulls the man closer. In the same breath, the two meet— _finally—_ closing the distance and finds _home_. 

Here in New York, sitting in front of his favorite dessert, with the man he loves with his whole heart, feeling the warmest he'd ever been his whole life, Kei couldn't be any happier. 

* * *

**Love is Kuroo Testurou.**

It's unbearably cold.

Kei's stuck at his desk, typing away for a deadline that his boss can't seem to move despite it being the weekend. _I can't believe I'm doing a fucking report instead of sleeping my ass away as I should._ To be fair, when did adulthood care for boundaries, weekends, and rest? He just wants some heat right now. He's been on his chair for most of the six hours that he didn't even hear the noise of the kitchen, signaling that Tetsurou was probably making dinner given the darkness outside the window. So, his personal heater is unavailable. He groans and goes back to work.

_This is so annoying. Why am I even researching the remains of an old species of a pig? I love dinosaurs, I didn't sign up for this. Why am I even wearing just a shirt and shorts it's literally 4ºC here I—_

The door slams open, revealing Tetsurou wearing a giddy smile. "Kei!" _What the fuck?_

"What the fuck?" He vocalizes. Undeterred, the raven hurriedly enters the room, closes the blonde's laptop (the audacity), and proceeds to drag both of them to the bed. It was when Tetsurou dropped a blanket on his lap that he notices that the man was holding a bowl with one hand and earphones with the other.

He suddenly feels warmth enveloping him as the raven slots himself comfortably behind Kei, like the human furnace he usually is.

Testurou chuckles lightheartedly. "Heh, sorry I got too excited. But, look! Taylor Swift released the new version of Love Story!" Kei stares at the _strawberry_ ice cream that's he's suddenly holding, at the phone placed in front of him, and then at the reflection it projects of the man behind him. Even but a shadow, he sees the big smile Tetsurou so often releases when he's excited about something.

He feels warmth crawl up his body, and not because of the blanket Tetsurou wraps around the both of them.

Kei scoffs, "You're such a dork." After taking a bite for himself, he takes the spoon and angles himself to give the man. Taking a bite, Tetsurou raises an eyebrow. "Don't pretend you don't have a throwback playlist with 70% Taylor Swift songs. You liked her tweet too, I saw!" _ **play.**_

He curls his back to the raven's front and closes his eyes. He feels a steady hand rubbing soft circles in his palm. Kei sighs.

"Rough work?" Tetsurou whispers. All the blond could do was twitch. _It's so warm._ They stay like that for a while, right until the song ends. _**repeat**_. He doesn't mind. 

Kei thinks he hears something about dinner, but all he actually registers is the cup he's holding being removed from his hands and arms shifting them to lie down the bed. He feels for the warmth again—snaking his arms around Tetsurou's hoodie. The blonde's hands slip inside and slide his hands up, clutching the toned back he'd come to memorize.

"You've been working so hard," a hot breath fans his nose. "Take a rest. I'll be here when you need to wake up." The warm feeling reaches his chest now. _So he's been planning this, huh?_

How annoying. Even though Tetsurou was busy with all the promotions he's heading for the start of the volleyball season, he still made time to help Kei relax for a bit. But he understands, he'd do it in a heartbeat for the raven too. The pair don't even notice their efforts, because they do it almost like second nature. Even so, normalcy doesn't make such acts any less disarming.

 _Ah,_ _it's getting hot._ Kei makes sure to keep his shifting to a minimum, focusing on the soft stands of hair brushing his cheeks. _It's fine, I_ _don't want to leave this place._

The blonde feels the blanket covering them being removed. Tetsurou clutches him tight, strong hands giving him the heat he needs. _How did you know..._ He smiles as soft lips touch his pale neck. He leans in.

"Sleep, moonshine," Tetsurou combs through blond locks, humming with the song on loop. _You're amazing, Tetsu._

Even on the brink of unconsciousness, he feels how the warmth has encased his heart now. How suddenly it's so hard to breathe because _wow, this feeling._

He thinks of how far he's come with this man. How it's almost scary to have such a sweet, patient, and understanding person come his way. There are times his overthinking gets the best of him and seemingly sabotages the happiness he sometimes feels he doesn't deserve. It makes him think about the hurt and the crazy. It makes him regret the time lost and of the feelings denied for years.

But there are the arms that secure him this very moment—arms that have waited even when he thought them gone. There's the warmth in him that threatens to burst in every seam every single day—the ones that scare him but still grounds him to the happiness he deserves.

He knows now. Things numb his mind to the point of madness but they fill him all the same. He can feel scared. In all those years, they've come to realize this truth. But things are less scary now that they're walking together—communicating. They choose to be together. 

He thinks of the ring he keeps under his old Karasuno jersey at the back of his closet. He smiles softly and kisses the skin in front of him. _It's almost time._

Kei let's unconsciousness take him, but not before thinking fondly— _I get it now._

_Ah, so this is love._

**Author's Note:**

> not gonna lie, it hurt trying to write some parts of the fic heh. there are a lot of parts i ended up not including (mostly in-betweens) and i'm thinking of making them as side stories because they're very much important to flesh out krtsk's relationship in this universe + im highkey thinking of kuroo pov (let me know what you think!)


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